Version Control

Something I won’t do is pretend,

Right now, I can’t be your lover and your friend

In this iteration of our existence
Yet you continue to move forward with persistence
Insisting
I am the one you’re missing

But absent most times so reminiscent

Of the last time you and I were together
Same energy, same circumstance, etc etc
Sounding like Carl, wish I never met her
Not fixing the problem getting back together

I fell in love with your representative
Should have known better, the meeting was tentative
This heartbreak completely preventative
Emotions oozing out like lenitive

He said he’s lowkey obsessed with me
But can’t move forward because of emotional debris
Somehow that makes me an accessory
To the crime on my heart, sounds like treachery

This version of you is a serenade
Making me believe you’re my soul mate

But what version will I get today?
Will the sweet funny guy come out to play?
Or will I get the moody depressed version on display
Feels like a setup to be betrayed

What’s most confusing is your position
I mean, what are your true intentions
This version is starting to show the glitches
Yet, I am still having trouble resisting

Emotions are the end product of experiences
You’re making it quite hard to keep up appearances
I have to say, you’re my favorite experiment 

But I can't do this emotional pyramid 

Sharniece Benders copyright 2020

Ghosts of Exes Past

Somewhere in between your first comment and your last
My inner stirrings knew I was competing with your past

There wasn’t just one,
That’s not how you move
There was Molly, then Kisha,
You had quite a few

I listened intently as you went on
How they broke your heart
And did you all wrong

Playing back your entire relationship songs
With clear indications you haven’t moved on

The ghosts of exes past still lingers
As your aura gets consumed by these old clingers

It’s a dance between your heart & mind that won’t break
You want to move on but you just can’t

I feel for you because you’d be amazing to date
But on the low moving forward might be a mistake 

Those beautiful brown eyes that penetrate my soul
Also hold a place of stories untold

A man wanting the best for his family
A trait most women want and would envy
ANOTHER woman for having on her plate
You just realized she wasn’t it too late 

It saddens me to see you in such a state
But the best things in life are worth the wait

That’s where you and I come into play
I know I offer you a safe space to stay

We talk all night into the early mornings
Laughing, philosophizing and exploring
Days turn into nights and still not boring
Eventually me falling asleep, loud ass snoring

As soon as we get comfortable in our cuddle curl
The iPhone goes ding and serves to deter
You no longer my man, me no longer your girl
The reality of that interrupting our world

I want you to move on from that energy
Don’t hold that against me, I am just really stingy

I want you unencumbered
Feeling your best
Out in the open lovers
No distress

Our union is certainly blessed
We fit really well without all the stress

Omg, don’t even get me started on the sex
But you can’t hit that sweet spot still worrying about your ex
You jokingly said, “it’s not the looks, it’s the hooks baby”

I chuckled and hit you with a rhetorical “Maybe”
“Seems like she’s Captain of the Hooks in you lately” 

Yea, I know that last line had to sting
But sometimes you gotta be bold when building up a King  

You’re so dope to me and we telepathically speak
It got so bad you started to invade my dreams
So I am sorry for that harsh and direct critique
But not really because I didn’t misspeak

The man in you talks directly to the woman in me
Things are looking up
Interests are piqued

In life, there are no guarantees
Only this moment,
which will soon be history

We have our own chamber of spirits to create
Our path is before us,
it’s not too late
To make a date,
with our future
Even though your young ass got me feeling like a cougar

That’s just the kind of draw that you have
If you forgot it, it’s okay, I am here to bring it back

I really think that we can make it last
You just need to give up the ghosts of exes past 

Manifest Well: A Letter to Young Me

I woke up on 11/11 under a spell

I needed to tap into my manifestation well

But before I can do it, I have to deal

Because manifestation doesn’t come unless you heal

Yup, all up in my feels

This Scorpio energy annoying, but real

Pushing me to take notice of the things revealed

Uncover the darkness I used Ego to shield

 

Pulling me deep under where the dark spots lie

To face the little girl that was abandoned, but didn’t know why

 

You see her pretty brown face and furrowed brow,

As she tries to navigate an adult world as a child

9 years old, she doesn’t know how

Yet the world expects her to

And keep a smile

Even as her entire world is crashing down

Being taken advantage of and never making a sound

 

She learns to cope through masking her pain

Putting on a front and acting brave

Everyone began to expect it

She’s never able to be herself, completely authentic  

 

Losing her voice, but finding it today

Hey lil mama, we turn out okay

We no longer have to be afraid

Of that boom, that big earthquake

That put us in this cocoon in the first place

Unaware of the impact because we felt safe

 

I am here to heal you so we can grow up unencumbered

By the pain of our past or it’ll take asunder

 

I want you to know that vulnerability isn’t a weakness

It’s a roadmap to your deepest darkest secrets

And the path to your purpose lies in the bleakness

Facing your demons isn’t a sneak diss

 

I want you to know all the things you deserve

In the end you’ll find a mission in why this occurred

Your life isn’t deterred

You go on to be the shit,

no dreams deferred

 

In chaos, we move towards the brightest light

You a Bad ass Bitch in 2020, in spite

Of everything

they did to shut you down

You need to know you make me so fucking proud!

 

I love you so much little me and you need to know that

Because me loving you is what’s most important

 

I know the people that should have been there weren’t

But you have to release that, those are their lessons to learn

 

Their screwups don’t determine your worth

You have your own path to forge on this earth

 

Self-love is the best love and you got this

It’s safe to come out your shell regardless

 

To make a better decision for tomorrow today

New directions, different lessons

The choice to change 

Sharniece Benders copyright 2020. Not available for use without permission

Emotionally Broke Mofos

Ay yo, you know what really grinds my gears  
When an emotionally broke motherfucker pretends to care
 
Stirring up emotions in your love lair
Getting you all excited about an affair  
 
You ask him to keep it a buck
Because negativity got you stuck,
No longer lovestruck
But fuck it, this time, you might be in luck   
 
You explain to him you’re not the regular chick,
You ain’t the type to get sprung over some dick
but willing to take the risk if he’s worth it
Making plans and shit, y’all could be perfect
 
Too bad these men be slick,
Thinking they can pass off counterfeits as legit
 
Introducing you to vibes they can’t maintain
Especially when making you their girl wasn’t the aim
Unnecessary lying and playing games,
Come to find out he’s Representative of the Lames
 
How many times I ask if you fucking shorty?
Only for you to turn around and be like you’re it
For me
Hitting me with that queen shit like its legit
Whole time busting down thots,
Nigga, make it make sense

I do be Queenin, but you ain’t no King
Just another motherfucker looking for a fling
But mi not play dem tingz
This why a bitch be violent and wanting to swing
 
Dude, I said no rain with my sunshine
Just give me light without the lies
Lying to me is pretty asinine
Because homie
I AM THE VIBE
 
Keep your love drive-bys
Inconsistent replies
Emotional bribes
Netflix love, I won’t subscribe
As you try and devise,
Ways to make me stay
In this playground of bullshit,
I am dismayed

Good thing I am always paying attention
I see through all of your ill intentions
Just because I never mention,
Doesn’t mean I didn’t pick up what you were giving

And that you were pretending
But this shit’s ending
Karma pending
I aint finna trip over it,

I’ve ascended 

Sharniece Benders copyright 2020. Not available for use without permission

Queen of Cups in Reverse

I pulled out my deck and you flew out

In that moment, I knew without a doubt

Accountability on display

Lack of clarity causing dismay

As I sit here and try and navigate the not me over and over again

Is it an air of inadequacy that they pick up on?

Does my aura wreak of weak and that’s why they be gone?

I fill up cups, but now mine is empty

As they sip up my loving, but offer none,

quite stingy

They like the idea of me and not the actual person

Because the realization hits that I am not the regular version

When I give, I give with my whole heart

I am an intense kinda love, you all in or nah

With a Capricorn air, I do not dare

Show my true feelings

or share any emotions out of fear

Because really they don’t care

Here for a good time and not a long one

Wondering when the energy of that will be done

Its creating insecurity where there was none

The seams are becoming undone

The Queen of Cups is in reverse

Feels like I’ve been afflicted with a lifetime curse

Giving so much, but not getting any returns

Energy being siphoned, scars burned

Into my consciousness but unable to discern

A lifetime of abuse I didn’t deserve

In the upside down and things cannot be stranger

Especially as I keep passing yellow and the signs start flashing DANGER

Triggering anger, from this energy exchanger

As he laps up the light and puts my heart endanger

Emotions building, they’re going to blow

Used to the fast life and this energy is too slow

Dimming the glow

Interrupting the flow 

Stagnant and refusing to grow 

Sharniece Benders copyright 2020. Not available for use without permission

Quarantine Thots

Scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of my mental existence

All it really takes is a little persistence

A lot of what I wanted I resisted

I just needed a type that was consistent

This is where we begin

And just like that I knew I’d give in

That beautiful face and that mahogany skin

I couldn’t let this pass, Nova started to grin

Fucking you is the shit to me

Every part of my being lights up when you’re kissing me

Lights on or off, it doesn’t matter

I always know what I want when it comes to you

be flattered

I thought my pussy was broken, but that just ain’t true

Turns out, the real problem is I just haven’t been fucking you

You’re toxic as fuck, absolutely sick

Got your girl running out in quarantine just for that dick

Very dangerous, but worth the risk  

I got you on speed dial with the flick of my wrist

I know I am going to regret this loving, but so what

All I can think about is you sticking your tongue in my butt

As you slide deeper in my guts

Sucking my lips and making this pussy nut

Put a bib on me baby and feed me that dick,

Watch me as you cum and it dribbles down my lips

I want you bad, until the wee hours

Me throwing it back, you asking who’s is it,

Me screaming ours

I love how you pull on my hair

Our music reverberating in the air

Screams are all you hear

As you slip out this wet pussy and whisper sweet nothings in my ear

Damn…good dick is actually rare

All this loving is getting too hard to bare

I really think I might need some prayer

I am getting turned up off this lil affair

Every time I orgasm you make me cry

I mean, I got a little dust in my eye

Damn this feeling is so hard to deny 

But don’t worry about me baby, I’ll be fine

Pussy spirit leapt out and just died

But here you go swooping in to revive

The parts of me that wanted to be alive

Now look at Nova smiling and able to thrive

You been going hard for a minute

Sit back, let me ride and test your limits

As I devour you, from head to toe

I won’t let anything interrupt our flow

There will be no dick diets in our future

Just wet pussy, tantra and a lil karma sutra

I want it all, all of you

Including that sexy ass intellectual mind too

Sapiosexual mindgasms that started textual

Bodies hopping into the mix, now its sexual

Habitual, our new ritual

Absolutely fucking irresistible…

This is an emotional eruption

And we’re only at the introduction

My walls are being reconstructed

If we keep it up, we might start reproduction

Ayy yo, I am pregnant B

That’s what I said,

Anything to keep him is what was swirling in my head

Fuck,

I am addicted

Yep, dick definitely got crack in it

Go ahead Daddy and send me that location

As I close my eyes and reminisce on the sweet sensations

That will be followed by deep penetration,

Slow love making

Sextracts being created

When quarantine is over… maybe we can start dating…

Insatiable, Part II

Bring that ass over here

Come whisper some sexy shit in my ear

You know all the things I love to hear

Like damn baby you’re so wet

Fingers in my folds, as you caress

Placing me in the right position

As we commence with the kissing

You deploy for this mission

To hear Nova purr like a Kitten

The only thing interrupting us is distance

I just want the D

That’s why I am acting up

Spank me a little baby

I want you to cuff

Missing you is so hard to do

I’d rather be fucking you

I want to be the only thing on your mind

Tell all them other women to get in line

My love overpowers, we’re intertwined

They have no chance, they’re bitterly left behind

When you’re awake and when you’re sleep,

I am the one you will want to keep

You’re the art and I am the artist

You’re my greatest masterpiece

Come paint me with your love

Fuck that condom, my pussy is the glove

You ain’t gotta ask me, I am ready

Slide this tongue up and down your body

Hey now, keep steady

I want to be manhandled

Face against the wall as you scramble

To lift my legs and give me more than I can handle

So good, we on the news, issa scandal

I imagine us laid up on that island

Doing all the things we keep denying

Skin glistening

Our bodies listening

Love imprinting

All that goodness

I’ve been missing it

How bad do you want it?

Come show me now

I want you to devour my ass

Give me a good plow

Stop with the cute shit

This is not high brow

Damn, you’re my type 

I am open, nearly ripe

I really hope you’re worth all this hype

Naked

Drenched

Sweaty

We a mess….

Damn I can’t wait for you to get here and relieve all this stress….

Insatiable….

Insatiable

I really do be missing you and I can’t take it

My feelings are developing, no faking

Ever since you and I crossed paths

In that moment I knew I was going to give you some ass

You even have the ability to make me laugh

I’m a groupie, go ahead and put me on staff

Victim to your love

I'm in a grip

Hoping you're legit

And worth the risk

Love me like you really want me

Rub your hands all over my body

That handsome face and your muscular build

Your soft lips between my legs

Damn your skilled

Kinda loving makes me want to run my mouth

Hop on that flight and go south

Gotta keep it on the low

Seems like the more people know

The more they’ll ruin our flow

Insatiable, I wanna fuck you right now

On the table,

on the bed,

on the floor

fuck it outside on the ground

Aint nobody hit it since you did it

Let's make a couple illegitimates

Hehe, just kidding…

Unless you with it...

I want you so deep, no need to sleep

Put me on my knees, baby I'm nasty

Feeling you pulsate, just don't cum too fastly

If you do put it on my face… yea exactly…

Incredibly, irresistibly insatiable

Fuck, shit right now I am tamable

Dinner is ready, pussy a la carte on the table

Ms. Shari

It’s been four years and I am still in pain

You not being here with me is strange

I cry everyday because I miss you

Wishing for just a brief moment I could hug and kiss you

I play your voicemails almost on the daily

Even though sometimes hearing your voice is kinda scary

Memories flood my mind as I recollect your last days

Selfishly being angry because you missed my birthday

How petty that seems in the grand scheme of things

Hindsight being 20/20, regret and misery springs

I still haven’t accepted it was time for you to get your wings

God what I’d give to see you again,

Spend time with you and be in your Zen

Your grandchildren miss you too

They keep bringing up all their memories with you

I miss you calling me to tell me about your day

Somehow the convo changing and you telling me I always gotta have my own way

It’s the Leo in me that made me bossy

I have always been a little bit saucy, maybe cocky

You scoffed it off and brought me back down

Off that high horse I seemed to be bound

Only you knew how to reign me in, in a way that said love, but girl “I ain’t playing”

Missing your bad way of swearing like “suck my ass”

Us making fun of you and you making us laugh

You left a legacy like no other

You gave me a sister and four brothers

For that I am forever grateful

Because through them I remain stable

I see a bit of you in all of us

I am sure that made you blush, so there’s a plus

From Antwain’s faces

To James’ attitude

To Aaron’s carefree living

And Anthony’s I am mad at you

Alandra ha, that’s your twin

She loses everything, but that’s how I know we’re kin

You leaving us the way you did was the hardest thing we’ve had to do

But without each other, I don’t know how we’d get through

Even beyond the grave you still have a message,

True Shari style you keep us guessing

You being gone is one of my greatest life lessons

Realizing more and more how you being my Mom was a blessing

You struggled with demons from a young age,

Yet you found the energy to love us even on your worst days

For this, you deserve all the praise

Life hasn’t always been a crystal stair,

But you made it better because you were always there

I am bawling my eyes out as I type

Trying to keep my emotions from getting too hype

That ain’t gonna happen so I’ll end it right here

As I unload my heart and soul for strangers to bare

May you Rest In Peace now and forever

I am hoping this ode to you will make me feel better!

I miss you Mama….

Crush

I’m gonna be real honest

I don’t think I can fulfill my promise

Being around you is problematic

I feel the cling lingering like static

Fire and energy the same

You controlling the flame

Ella Mai crooning… you’re even hijacking my music

Two passions burning

Astrologically our signs are stirring

As they pick up on this tension

Maybe you and I have crossed in other dimensions

Flowing in the sheets and you’re in between

Taking me to places I’ve yet to see

In my mind and body’s grace

Intertwined in this ethereal space

Waiting for its escape

But you don’t see my point of view

Because I don’t want this relationship misconstrued

I really need to chill

I need to stop it

I can’t allow my lust to make me too honest

But my spirit is glowing

And this feeling isn’t slowing

We want it, I feel it, but must acquit  

I don’t want the results to be opposite

Our spirits delighting in meeting

Hoping our private parts will also be greeting

But knowing I must keep this a secret

Can’t have our business leaking…

No one will be surprised when we make that move

But we will wait for the Universe to approve

Until then, crushing on you is number one on my list of to-do’s